Deserving

Sorry I haven't been posting much lately.

I mean, if even anyone is reading? 

Whatever, that's not the point. The point is, I've been eating so much lately and having such horrible body images. I just feel like dying.

I ate popcorn today, I also had this sudden crave and need for economic rice and sushi. So fml. I made nuggets and sausages and ate biscuits. I'm just an uncontrollable fatass that needs to stop wasting space.

I hate how people always lie about someone else's physique. Just be honest, I'm fat tell me that. I have a love hate relationship with my haters. They tell me the brutal truth but at the same time bring me down so cruelly. Maybe that's good, a reminder that I don't deserve to be here and how horrible I am.

Birthday dinner at grammas this sat, I know I'm going to overeat because it is grammas. I just hope I can control myself.

Oh I think my class is having pizza on Friday, I'll just make a dumb excuse that I have something else on so I can escape it. I mean I don't even have real friends.

Talking about friends, what would you do if someone you thought understood you and would always be there for you just left? I did nothing, I just let it happened, she said nothing is wrong but I think she is hiding it. Whatever the reason though, I shan't be sad over it. I mean I deserve it, deserve to be a loner because I'm just a freak. She constantly leaves me out, goes to class first and everything. Well whatever, life is just unfair like this. Anyways I got to focus on my studies and try to do well. I'll work on my social skills some other times. 

I hope I wasn't this fat. Going to exercise later. Well duh, I'm a fatass. 

Shit

Well this is funny because I legitametly am be going to post about shit.

I shitted in my pants today. Yup, you heard it.

So the story went a little like I overestimated the time it would take for my laxatives to take effect resulting in me having to hold in my shit for 1hour as I wait for the bus and go home. While walking home it gave way and yup. Watery gooey mess.

IM A MESS

And well I basically ran out of laxatives AND money. I was stressing about whether I should go out to buy more laxatives but then 

1. I'm broke

2. It's late

3. I will have to skip school and I can't afford to.

Reason why I can't afford to is because there is a learning journey tomorrow and it will be tested in my o levels and I can't afford to skip that. I mean yeah not like I would have any friends or sort to hang with but stilllllll it's tested. Additionally, I have biology practical tomorrow and well my bio practical exam is this Friday and it is the OFFICIAL one so obviously I can't afford to miss that too right????

But I'm feeling fat and all... 

However, I still came to the conclusion that I will not go out to buy because I can't afford to skip any more school. And well I'll just buy it tomorrow. Besides my body needs a break from laxatives right? And one day for the weight to go back up is ok right..? I'll still be able to lose it in the days to come right?

I just remembered that on Tuesday I have another learning journey which means I might not be able to take more laxatives tomorrow because It'll cause me to need to shit in school. And the learning journey on Tuesday is to this island, I'm NOT going to be shitting in some unknown island..... URGH I HATE STRESSING OUT AND FEELING ANXIOUS ABOUT STUPID THINGS LIKE LAXATIVES AND TIMING. 

Why do I have to be so fat and have no self control at all? If I was thin I wouldn't have to rely on laxatives for a almost flat stomach....... 

But I guess this 2 days break from laxatives will be good for my body. 

Promise I'll take a break from laxatives for the next two days. But I'll still buy them tomorrow if I can manage to find some money. 

Wish me luck on my way to being skinny while I'm such a a fatass. 

Picture of a bloated and fat me for you guys while I cry. 

The roses have wilted, the violets are dead

Sorry i did not post anything yesterday.
Well basically i ate well duh, took laxatives and managed to lose weight this morning.
Down to my lowest 38.7
But being a pig i ate to 39.3
Fat ass i am

Anyways im going to post this poem i saw on tumblr, its just too beautiful. I have to share.

Hope you guys would enjoy this poem as much as i did.

Still feeling extremely down the weather. how do i put on this act and fake my way through life of being ok?

Cant you see my cries of desperation?

Do i really have to be skins and bones for anybody to notice my pain, for anybody to notice how much I'm so dead inside? 

Am i honestly that insignificant to everyone of you?

sigh, but life goes on.

The thought of being on the verge of losing someone is so heart wrenching i dont know how to feel anymore.

TUMBLR

Why

Why do I have such little self control????

I've been eating so much it is beyond words. And because of my eating I'm feeling sooooo guilty and sooo mad. 

Like I finally lost the weight after a long time of ups and downs and now my weight is fluctuating AGAIN. 

When will I be able to STOP eating so much and actually control myself?????

That's it, I'm sick of this fluctuation. Shall write a meal plan here so I will have to stick with it.

Breakfast: a cup of water

A cup of coffee

Lunch: a cup of water

A cup of coffee

An apple

A seaweed 

Dinner: a cup of water

An apple

Egg whites

Snacks: 4 candies.

I WILL NOT ACCEPT ANY FOOD OFFERED.

I WILL DECLINE FOOD.

I WILL NOT SURROUND MYSELF WITH FOOD.

I WILL EXERCISE.

So yes that's it, tomorrow I will follow this. I'll think of another meal plan for sat and sun.

Took so many laxatives again. If I follow this meal plan tmr I will not take any laxatives or take 10 only. Yup, my promise to myself.

In the mean time I'll have to bring my fat ass to go swim or maybe skip depends.

Skipping burns loads of kcal. I think I will skip.

I hope I won't fail tomorrow. I can't fail.

Sigh, school sucks so badly too.

I miss him, he talked to me today but I don't know how to reply. I don't deserve happiness.

It's my punishment for being such a failure.

I hope I will break this fluctuation and finally lose some weight again. 

Wish me luck.

Horrid

H O R R I D

that is what I am and the way I do things.

I am a horrible person, things I do are always horrendous.

My life is just horrid.

Everyday, it seems like I'm falling deeper into this hell-hole. Hating every single thing about my life when I should be enjoying. I hate people. I hate me. I hate everything.

And URGH, so far away from him now and we don't talk anymore... Sigh.

Stupid bitch too, I'll wipe that smug smile off your fucking fat face.

Sometimes I wonder if people notice truly how much I am hurting and hating life.

Then again, I'm useless, worthless and can't get anything right so fuck it. I shall die alone in my own little misery.

Abrupt end. 

F A I L U R E

I'm such a FUCKING FAILURE I don't even know what to do.

So as mentioned in yesterday's post, I went to my friends house to bake and was praying I wouldn't eat too much, but surprise surprise who ended up eating like a damn pig.

What the fuck is wrong with you fatass, about to do 30-35 minutes of rope jumping and it doesn't even burn off 250kcal. Oh yeah I also ate breakfast and dinner. So now I'm at 1200 kcal. Which means even after exercising I will be still 500 kcal over?!?!?!

Took like 120 laxatives already though.

Hopefully I'll be shitting it all out today and would not affect me tomorrow.

Did I also mention that there is extended term from tomorrow onwards and there is 4 chemistry lessons???? Oh yeah and my results were horrendous.

CONGRATULATIONS FATASS FOR BEING SUCH A PIG AND FAILURE.

SO EXTREMELY PISSED OFF WITH MYSELF NOW.

tomorrow I will eat no more than 100 kcal.

Just when things starts to go well, I have to screw it up by eating. URGH.

was 38.9kg finally this morning and now I'm 40.6kg fml.

Hopefully I'll be 39.5kg tomorrow at least. 

Please let me lose them weight. 

Ok shall end here to go work my bloody fatass off. 

3rd

So yup this is my third post. I actually have no idea what I want to post. I'm posting about my story some other time. But for now it'll be little snippets and updates of my life.

Honestly at this point of my life, I have no idea what I have been doing, wait in fact why do I even exist. I have been feeling so down the weather and basically alienating myself from everyone in school. So like now, I believe I am literally a social pariah. Like people stop talking to me for god knows what reasons and I don't bother to talk to them. Really what's the point of living when I'm no longer living it?  

Tomorrow is meet the parents, my results are horrendous. Failed both my sciences and additional maths. Placed 4th in class from the back, and 131 in level. How is it someone as stupid as me can exist? Why aren't I smarter? I feel like I've been a huge disappointment, not only to my parents but especially myself. But who cares about them, if they weren't so stupid maybe I wouldn't be so stupid.  Shut up mom, stop fucking nagging. Can't you see I'm so fucking annoyed and depressed now. You're just like everyone else, not caring about my feelings, you don't care about me. I'm just someone to fuck with and scold at. 

Anyways, on the bright side of everything I have been successfully losing weight. 39kg now, can't wait to wake up 38.+ tomorrow. Also I'll be going to bake at my friend's house tomorrow. Hopefully I won't start binging and everything.

Note to self: don't fucking eat everything you see. Don't eat so much. Don't eat till you're guilty(wait I'm always guilty anyways) 

Abruptly ending my post here, don't have any quotes because tumble didn't post up anything nice. Shall put in one of my quotes written above though

What's the point of living when you're no longer living it?

No idea how to link it to my tumblr from my phone so... Just copy and paste ok?

30feathers.tumblr.com

My Story: How it started

So as promised i am going to do a post on my story.

Im not really sure how or when i started to fall into this turmoil but i must say just like how most eating disorders starts, it is through innocently dieting till it goes out of control.
So from what little that i remember my highest weight is 44.5 kg and that was in secondary 1, age 13, where my height is around 147-150, it was a total turn off.
I knew i wasn't so affected with my weight till around the mid of that year(2011)? I know i didnt cut out any kinds of food then but i did skip meals during the holidays.
I did continue to eat normally then, until the end of 2011 when dieting started to become more serious. As mentioned i started skipping meals due to my irregular sleeping, i did exercise more and probably had cut down on some of my portion size. But i must say i didnt feel guilty after eating, i wasnt so affected but i knew i wanted to lose weight.

By the start of 2012 i have managed to lose 2kg, and was at the weight of 42.5kg not forgetting that i have grew to be 155cm in height. I was of course delighted and motivated to lose more weight. I was ore focused on what i was eating, i started eating lesser, cutting out certain foods and exercising regularly. I must say i have started to feel guilty if i have eaten too much and went on to exercise.
By july i have lost weight again and i was 39.5kg. Of course i was elated and well it just pushed me on to lose more weight and that was what i did and probably where anorexia really kicked in.

I was skipping breakfast, for lunch i had very little, like an energy bar with a fruit or soup with fruit. I tried to skip dinner whenever possible and if i do eat dinner i would go exercise it all away. Swam at least 50 laps, ran at least half an hour, skipped at least half an hour. It was crazy.
Of course with this crazy diet, the numbers started to go down really quickly and well fats were gone. Teacher's started noticing and well i was sent to the psychiatrist specialising in eating disorder.

My first appointment was around August, my weight had drooped all the way to 34.7kg, and then i thought i was 36kg. I didnt believe it and wanted to go down even more. Following few visits i was losing weight, and by september holidays i had managed to lose till 30kg, my dream goal. But doctors obviously wanted me to gain and so that is what i did.
I will elaborate more about my anorexia recovery in my next post.

So yup that is how it started. I can say the reason why i wanted to lose weight was because my school was filled with skinny and pretty girls and i wanted to be them. So yeah, also people calling me fat had contributed to it. Hence i must say, please do not call a girl FAT or she might fall into this downhill too.


I want to lose all my recovery weight, and am in the process of losing. I am so glad i had managed to lose some. I probably wont go back down to 30 but if i can i will. But i will try to maintain at 35 so mother cannot say anything, in fact no one can.

P.s i am 155cm and 39kg as of date. Hopefully i will be 35 by end of this year.
Will post about my recovery journey and life after recovery next time.

And as if good grades represent your knowledge in life
And as if expensive items represent your self-worth
-tumblr

MY TUMBLR <click to be navigated

30feathers

Hello there!

Urgh im not going to act cheery and all. I know that's in my personality and all, but what's the point of acting cheery and all when i am actually not. 

I feel the need to explain my blog and all, basically a proper introduction like all my other blogs that i fail to keep.

BUT I AM DETERMINED TO KEEP WRITING IN THIS BLOG(hopefully)

Enough of all this crap talking lets get on with the proper introduction.

1. I created this blog for the sole purpose of pouring out my feelings because i am a loner and i have no one to talk to, or at least people will think i am crazy and all.

2. I have an eating disorder, hence if you are easily triggered please do not read my blog at all.

3. I DO NOT GLAMOURISE EATING DISORDER OR AM PRO-ED. 

As mentioned i am here to pour out my feelings. 

4. What written here shall remain here, please i do not wish my blog to be exposed to unnecessary people that will bullshit me and bring me down. As if i don't hate myself enough.

5. If you want to scold me or insult me, this is not the place to, kindly get out of my blog because i write to express not impress.

Ok, i dont think this exactly is an introduction, but good enough to get my points across i hope.

I feel like the reasons my other blogs were unsuccessful is because i was blogging to impress and well i couldn't express my ed thoughts in the fear of triggering people.

WHY 30FEATHERS

30feathers is my tumblr url, you can go follow it if you want *warning-please do not go if you are easily triggered or am recovering* 

Tumblr is a place for me to look at thinspos and motivate myself and write. But i feel like tumblr aint a good enough place for me to rant because well it doesn't look that good to have a whole pile of word vomit amongst the thinspos right?

So my blog, being affiliated to my tumblr is for me to word vomit. There will be close to no pictures or very little pictures, if you wish to see pictures you can click on the bar on the left and it will navigate you to my tumblr. I would also most probably link my tumblr at the very end of my blog too.

Yes i know i know, stop bullshitting about my blog and tumblr you want to know the reason behind the name, patience is virtue my dears. You have made it here so i shall share.

30 represents the weight i want to be, 30kg. Feathers represent how i aspire to be like a feather, thin, light, floating around and so fragile. I didn't want to have skins, bones, weight, thin in the name because that is so mainstream hence i chose 30feathers. However i think most would be shock to see some mentally crazed girl when they come to my tumblr or blog.

Well i think i am done with my crapping or introduction.

I will post more about myself in my next post aka my ed journey and stats.

So glad i created a blog for it is the only place where ill be able to share my stats and thoughts without people knowing me. 

on a side note, i ate in the morning and i managed to purge out some so yayyy. Ran out of laxatives, am going to go out to get more after my phone is fully charged.

I hereby also promise that i will blog every single day no matter how busy i am or how short the post will be. 

You painted roses in my heart,

daisies in my mind,

lilies in my eyes

and let them all to die there

-taken from tumblr

MY TUMBLR <-click to be directed