8th post

Back after Mia-Ing for super long.

Have been super busy recently, ok lie. I'm basically an lazy asshole ok. 

Anyways I'm posting now.

Weight STILL fluctuating.

But still at my lowest so all is good(?)

Just gotta drop 2 more kg because christmas is tmr?!?!?! 

Sigh. Anyways thinking of creating another blog.

Another blog dedicated to my life instead of (Ed) . I think ill do it and share(?) 

We'll see how it goes.

Ending abruptly here because I can.

Triggered

Saw this post on a classmate's blog. She was talking about how models are skinny and since they are skinny they are the definition of beauty.

She also said that she look up to those popular people with thigh gap and flat stomach and all those jazz because she doesnt. 

And I'm super triggered now because she is skinny. She is pretty.

But she wants more, I feel like she is going down the anorexic route too. She has the mentality. 

I feel responsible.

Also my weight have been fluctuating so much and I'm so pissed off at how much it is fluctuating. Maybe I am gaining. Idk. I just want to lose more weight.

I want to be 35kg by next year.

But currently I'm 37-38.5

Yes my weight is fluctuating.

I want to lose the weight before Christmas, because I know I will hinge and it will be hard to lose.

I have no self control.

I'm just feeling so much now. Idk

I want to sleep and never wake up ever again. 

Please let me lose weight.

Drained

I'm so tired

So emotionally and physically trained

I'm so tired of my fluctuating weight and moods. Mainly myself. 

I'm super tired with this daily battle.

I just want to be skinny and pretty, is it so difficult? 

Dead I am (not)

Nope. Still alive unfortunately.

Feeling extremely bummed about the fact that I have missed so many days of blogging thanks to an idiot who is just being selfish and trying to redeem himself from his past mistakes and failures. 

Reasons why I have been Mia-Ed for so long

- I have no phone

Yup all thanks to my smartass for dropping the phone in the toilet bowl resulting it to have to be sent for servicing and repairing. Which then encouraged him to keep the phone until I have packed my room, which I did and he failed to witness.

3 weeks without my phone, I could survive, just making me an extreme asshole for ignoring people. Not forgetting giving me even the more opportunity to isolate myself from everyone.

This holidays has been horrible. 

School isn't fabulous either.

It's 1:57am now. I need to wake up early to go to school and buy some books and return some discs. 

I shall turn in now. Maybe if I'm feeling better I'll explain more about my feels, but maybe it'll be another rant post too.

I'm negative. 

Bad luck

I'm basically going through one of my horrible times ever.

I'm not sure if anyone has noticed but I have recently gone MIA everywhere.
I'm not returning texts neither am I socially active on my social network sites.

Unfortunately, my sudden disappearance is of no concern to anyone. I honestly doubt anyone has noticed.

Well, the reason why I've gone MIA is because I dropped my phone in the toilet bowl. Yes, I know in the damn fucking toilet bowl. How it happened? I just decided it will be fine to put my phone in my back pocket and use the damn toilet. Fuck. This is making me so pissed off.

Adding to that I have gone without my phone for 3 days and I honestly am quite fine with it except for the fact I had to contact people to make plans.
Not sure when I will get a new phone, it is basically so hard to ask for something from him in my house hold. Wanted to ask him today but he seemed in a bad mood.

Anyways, besides the dropping of phone, I've gone OUT OF CONTROL EATING!!!! I CANT STOP EATING IDK WHY AND I AM EXASPERATED WITH THAT FACT.

probably gained back 1.5kg of weight. I'll confirm tomorrow morning, took 180 laxatives in total today, new high.

Honestly at this point of time I wish I was dead, I mean with the damage I've done to my body I might as well die and save future medical expenses right?

Everything is just going downhill for now.only thing I can do is to eat lesser, planned out a schedule for today and tomorrow so I won't binge or anything...

I WILL COMPLY TO IT, IT IS TIME FOR ME TO LOSE WEIGHT. Talking about weight, I have a noticed a trend, I would restrict lose weight. Binge gain some back then restrict again and lose even more. Guess I am at my binge phase now. But I've eaten so mucho have practically exhausted my cravings for food, or maybe this uncomfortable in my stomach is making me lose my appetite. Whatever it is, it is good as I have no appetitie I and just thinking about food which I need to stop to.

Ps if you were wondering, I'm typing this post on my mothers iPad and it is 2.53am. Still not asleep due to the effects of laxatives. Please let my weight be below 38.5 tomorrow. Oh god. She'll try to sleep a while not and stop bullshittiing
Till the next time' wish mr luck